Meditations on Consent, Eroticism and a Voice Memo

Musings from a sex worker about the viral first date voice memo who thinks that it is, like most things in life, more nuanced than social media is saying it is

In case you are not privy to the viral voice memo in question, the long and short of it is a man sent this voice memo to a woman after their first date as they prepared for their second, saying that he would like to have sex on the second date, and, if she is not up for that, he does not want to continue seeing her. I am actively using the most objective language possible here, but this is a direct link to the voice memo in question to provide the fullest context available:

@kcuilty8Like genuinely what possessed him to send this #thatsmywhy

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As social media is wont to do, people are immediately picking sides and sticking to them fervently. Some are saying “He’s setting his boundaries early on! That’s what consent looks like!” Others are saying “He’s giving her a ultimatum: put out or I’m out. That’s coercive!”

From my perspective, neither the former nor the latter is getting it completely right.

As I’m sure many of you can imagine, given my line of work especially, I am a big fan of stating expectations clearly and honestly from the jump. Of course, in many ways it’s easy for me to do, given my vantage point, that don’t always translate to the dating world. You’re not into well traveled, flirtatious redheads with ample bosoms, round luscious behinds, sharp wits and playfully seductive bossy sides? Great, no need to send me a message! I may think you’re a bit crazy (just kidding…sort of…), but we don’t have to waste either of our time communicating if I’m not what you’re looking for. Online dating allows people to sort out who they are or are not physically attracted to and, on certain apps, learn more about somebody’s personality (not all. Looking at you, Tinder). Searching for potential sexual compatibility on dating apps, however, gets a bit trickier. How important is sexual compatibility to the other person? How long will it take to know for sure if we’re really compatible? When will they want to start exploring that with me? What sorts of things are they into? Will they like what I’m into?

Obviously, having complete discretion as a top priority of mine coupled with being in the US means I cannot and will not go into too many graphic details about what happens behind closed doors. But I can say that being able to publicize who I authentically am, what I enjoy and who I click with makes it easy to establish that baseline of compatibility before we even exchange hellos. Consent of course is always an ongoing conversation had both verbally and physically between two (or more, if we’re lucky) people. But the general mutual compatibility is cemented once screening has concluded.

The modern dating world is decidedly not nearly as simple as that.

First, the simplest point to address about the voice memo: It is not wrong for him, or for anyone else for that matter, to want to establish sexual compatibility early. Whether we like it or not, sex is incredibly powerful. Sex is more important than so many of us would care to believe. It causes many great romances to bloom and thrive or crumble and whither away on the vine. It has the power to connect us deeply to both ourselves and to another person simultaneously. It is primal. It is deeply personal. It is freeing. It is transformative. It is where are deepest desires reside. I heard somebody at a lecture about human sexuality I attended back in my college days say: “we don’t have sex; sex has us.” It’s always stuck with me because it is a simple and profound truth.

I hate to predictably bemoan my frustrations with many members of Gen Z as a Millennial (I also believe many of their positions and philosophies deserve more nuance than they often get too, but that’s perhaps a topic for another day). But it’s undeniable that many have been on the forefront of the resurgence of a Victorian era-esque uptightness about casual sex. So there has been a bit that knee-jerk reaction to this: “oh my god, how can he want that and say it out loud? Don’t you want to really get to know somebody first before you have sex?! It should be all about wanting love and commitment!” And it has my Elder Millennial self, who came into her own sexually being greatly influenced by sex positive pop culture icons like Blanche Devereaux, Samantha Jones and Sue Johanson, just shaking my head and sighing to those reactions.

Left to Right (or Top to Bottom on Mobile): Blanche Devereaux, Samantha Jones, Sue Johanson. My formative heroines ❤️

So the want is not the issue for me. And being direct about what you want is not the issue for me. The part that I take the most issue with and that gives me the greatest pause is this:

"I know you already said you're not sure about this, but..." .

When someone expresses uncertainty, particularly about having sex, the safest and most respectful response is to graciously accept that uncertainty without pleading your case for having sex. By acknowledging her hesitation while still presenting an argument as to why he believes they should have sex, he is no longer simply stating a boundary. He is trying, rather clumsily, to convince her to change hers.

There’s a Gavin De Baker quote that goes: “If a man says no, it’s the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the start of a negotiation.” And I think this is a prime example of that.

Extending the largest benefit of the doubt possible, even if this particular man never intended to pressure this particular woman into having sex, the pressure still existed. Women don’t interpret these sentiments in a vacuum. The context of heterosexual dating and sex cannot be separated from the ask. Women are socialized to approach every interaction in the dating and sexual realm with hypervigilance, constantly scrutinizing every situation for her physical safety and the potential threats they could face for merely rejecting a man’s advances. This socialization is often sadly reinforced through their own personal negative experiences in and out of the dating world. Women observe and process these interactions through this lens of navigating unwanted propositions and possible dangers at every turn. Most men don’t have to take these kinds of precautions into consideration for themselves when dating and having sex with women, at least not to the level women must in order to keep themselves safe from serious harm.

In short, it was tone-deaf, tactless, and insensitive to the realities women are forced to mitigate by continuing to make his case. Was it coercion? Not exactly. People sometimes state their valid boundaries in unnecessarily contentious and uncomfortable ways. That is, to put it quite simply and bluntly, shitty. But it does not automatically make it coercion. The voice memo was undoubtedly pressuring, and that is most certainly coercion adjacent. But he did give her an out. The out was wrapped in an argument presented to her as a series of unfeeling debate talking points, which is off putting and distasteful to say the very least. But in the end, it was an out. And that is important. However, he should not be held up as the paragon of consent culture simply because he provided her that out. That is the bare minimum. That is basic human decency. That is a given. Or at least, it should be. But far too often, it isn’t.

Beyond the discussions about coercion, consent and gender dynamics, what actually caught my attention more than anything was not what the voice memo said, but what it lacked. And what it lacked was eroticism.

I listened to the voice memo several times before starting this article. There was something about it that left me feeling a sense of unease that I couldn’t quite place. Eventually, the pivotal, unshakeable questions came to me:

“If this man is truly seeking genuine sexual chemistry with this woman, why doesn’t he seem more interested in discovering who she is sexually? Why, if establishing sexual chemistry is his stated goal, does his voice memo sound so contractual, so detached, and so deeply unsexy?”

Esther Perel describes eroticism as “not sex per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity and spontaneity that make us feel alive.” I wish I had her knack for such compelling and accurate brevity!

Esther Perel, Author of “Mating in Captivity” and “State of Affairs.” My modern day heroine ❤️

Modern dating and sex both demand total clarity: state your intentions, define your boundaries, don’t waste time. There are of course real and measurable positives within this framework. It can, and often does, create an environment that fosters informed, enthusiastic consent, and that is objectively a wonderful thing. But eroticism has always been built upon the abstract concepts that can’t neatly go onto checklists or adhere to arbitrary deadlines: mystery, anticipation, yearning, surprise, exploration, presence, synergy and the natural unfolding of intensifying desire.

Too many people nowadays believe that these concepts of radical transparency and erotic uncertainty are inherently mutually exclusive, but they aren’t. And if my multi year career in the demimonde has taught me anything, it’s that when melded together with intention and care, these two concepts complement each other perfectly. The boundaries and expectations are mutually established and assertively defined with my suitors. But where the magic unfolds is in the unexpected. The feedback I most often hear from those who spend time with me is never anything like “I’m so happy we did this checklist of acts in the order I requested.” Instead, it’s things like “the way you held eye contact with me made me melt,” or “I’m still daydreaming about when you kissed my neck and whispered that naughty thing in my ear,” or “hearing you playfully giggle as you slowly teased me was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.” That is what it means to reconnect with our most erotic selves while also still centering consent at all times. And that is a beautiful thing to experience with anyone whom I am fortunate enough to share my time.

Regardless of gender, we all seem to be aching for a world where our sexual connections are more curious, more playful, more wondrous, more genuinely intimate. But we don’t always know how to access it in the modern swipe left/right world that encourages snap decisions based on what looks good on paper instead of what feels intriguing and compelling. I’m doing my small part to bridge that gap. And, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you’ll join me.

Thanks for coming to my GemTalk™️ ❤️