In case you are not privy to the viral voice memo in question, the long and short of it is a man sent this voice memo to a woman after their first date as they prepared for their second, saying that he would like to have sex on the second date, and, if she is not up for that, he does not want to continue seeing her. I am actively using the most objective language possible here, but this is a direct link to the voice memo in question to provide the fullest context available:

@kcuilty8Like genuinely what possessed him to send this #thatsmywhy

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As social media is wont to do, people are immediately picking sides and sticking to them fervently. Some are saying “He’s setting his boundaries early on! That’s what consent looks like!” Others are saying “He’s giving her a ultimatum: put out or I’m out. That’s coercive!”

From my perspective, neither the former nor the latter is getting it completely right.

As I’m sure many of you can imagine, given my line of work especially, I am a big fan of stating expectations clearly and honestly from the jump. Of course, in many ways it’s easy for me to do, given my vantage point, that don’t always translate to the dating world. You’re not into well traveled, flirtatious redheads with ample bosoms, round luscious behinds, sharp wits and playfully seductive bossy sides? Great, no need to send me a message! I may think you’re a bit crazy (just kidding…sort of…), but we don’t have to waste either of our time communicating if I’m not what you’re looking for. Online dating allows people to sort out who they are or are not physically attracted to and, on certain apps, learn more about somebody’s personality (not all. Looking at you, Tinder). Searching for potential sexual compatibility on dating apps, however, gets a bit trickier. How important is sexual compatibility to the other person? How long will it take to know for sure if we’re really compatible? When will they want to start exploring that with me? What sorts of things are they into? Will they like what I’m into?

Obviously, having complete discretion as a top priority of mine coupled with being in the US means I cannot and will not go into too many graphic details about what happens behind closed doors. But I can say that being able to publicize who I authentically am, what I enjoy and who I click with makes it easy to establish that baseline of compatibility before we even exchange hellos. Consent of course is always an ongoing conversation had both verbally and physically between two (or more, if we’re lucky) people. But the general mutual compatibility is cemented once screening has concluded.

The modern dating world is decidedly not nearly as simple as that.

First, the simplest point to address about the voice memo: It is not wrong for him, or for anyone else for that matter, to want to establish sexual compatibility early. Whether we like it or not, sex is incredibly powerful. Sex is more important than so many of us would care to believe. It causes many great romances to bloom and thrive or crumble and whither away on the vine. It has the power to connect us deeply to both ourselves and to another person simultaneously. It is primal. It is deeply personal. It is freeing. It is transformative. It is where are deepest desires reside. I heard somebody at a lecture about human sexuality I attended back in my college days say: “we don’t have sex; sex has us.” It’s always stuck with me because it is a simple and profound truth.

I hate to predictably bemoan my frustrations with many members of Gen Z as a Millennial (I also believe many of their positions and philosophies deserve more nuance than they often get too, but that’s perhaps a topic for another day). But it’s undeniable that many have been on the forefront of the resurgence of a Victorian era-esque uptightness about casual sex. So there has been a bit that knee-jerk reaction to this: “oh my god, how can he want that and say it out loud? Don’t you want to really get to know somebody first before you have sex?! It should be all about wanting love and commitment!” And it has my Elder Millennial self, who came into her own sexually being greatly influenced by sex positive pop culture icons like Blanche Devereaux, Samantha Jones and Sue Johanson, just shaking my head and sighing to those reactions.

So the want is not the issue for me. And being direct about what you want is not the issue for me. The part that I take the most issue with and that gives me the greatest pause is this:

"I know you already said you're not sure about this, but..." .

When someone expresses uncertainty, particularly about having sex, the safest and most respectful response is to graciously accept that uncertainty without pleading your case for having sex. By acknowledging her hesitation while still presenting an argument as to why he believes they should have sex, he is no longer simply stating a boundary. He is trying, rather clumsily, to convince her to change hers.

There’s a Gavin De Baker quote that goes: “If a man says no, it’s the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the start of a negotiation.” And I think this is a prime example of that.

Extending the largest benefit of the doubt possible, even if this particular man never intended to pressure this particular woman into having sex, the pressure still existed. Women don’t interpret these sentiments in a vacuum. The context of heterosexual dating and sex cannot be separated from the ask. Women are socialized to approach every interaction in the dating and sexual realm with hypervigilance, constantly scrutinizing every situation for her physical safety and the potential threats they could face for merely rejecting a man’s advances. This socialization is often sadly reinforced through their own personal negative experiences in and out of the dating world. Women observe and process these interactions through this lens of navigating unwanted propositions and possible dangers at every turn. Most men don’t have to take these kinds of precautions into consideration for themselves when dating and having sex with women, at least not to the level women must in order to keep themselves safe from serious harm.

In short, it was tone-deaf, tactless, and insensitive to the realities women are forced to mitigate by continuing to make his case. Was it coercion? Not exactly. People sometimes state their valid boundaries in unnecessarily contentious and uncomfortable ways. That is, to put it quite simply and bluntly, shitty. But it does not automatically make it coercion. The voice memo was undoubtedly pressuring, and that is most certainly coercion adjacent. But he did give her an out. The out was wrapped in an argument presented to her as a series of unfeeling debate talking points, which is off putting and distasteful to say the very least. But in the end, it was an out. And that is important. However, he should not be held up as the paragon of consent culture simply because he provided her that out. That is the bare minimum. That is basic human decency. That is a given. Or at least, it should be. But far too often, it isn’t.

Beyond the discussions about coercion, consent and gender dynamics, what actually caught my attention more than anything was not what the voice memo said, but what it lacked. And what it lacked was eroticism.

I listened to the voice memo several times before starting this article. There was something about it that left me feeling a sense of unease that I couldn’t quite place. Eventually, the pivotal, unshakeable questions came to me:

“If this man is truly seeking genuine sexual chemistry with this woman, why doesn’t he seem more interested in discovering who she is sexually? Why, if establishing sexual chemistry is his stated goal, does his voice memo sound so contractual, so detached, and so deeply unsexy?”

Esther Perel describes eroticism as “not sex per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity and spontaneity that make us feel alive.” I wish I had her knack for such compelling and accurate brevity!

Modern dating and sex both demand total clarity: state your intentions, define your boundaries, don’t waste time. There are of course real and measurable positives within this framework. It can, and often does, create an environment that fosters informed, enthusiastic consent, and that is objectively a wonderful thing. But eroticism has always been built upon the abstract concepts that can’t neatly go onto checklists or adhere to arbitrary deadlines: mystery, anticipation, yearning, surprise, exploration, presence, synergy and the natural unfolding of intensifying desire.

Too many people nowadays believe that these concepts of radical transparency and erotic uncertainty are inherently mutually exclusive, but they aren’t. And if my multi year career in the demimonde has taught me anything, it’s that when melded together with intention and care, these two concepts complement each other perfectly. The boundaries and expectations are mutually established and assertively defined with my suitors. But where the magic unfolds is in the unexpected. The feedback I most often hear from those who spend time with me is never anything like “I’m so happy we did this checklist of acts in the order I requested.” Instead, it’s things like “the way you held eye contact with me made me melt,” or “I’m still daydreaming about when you kissed my neck and whispered that naughty thing in my ear,” or “hearing you playfully giggle as you slowly teased me was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.” That is what it means to reconnect with our most erotic selves while also still centering consent at all times. And that is a beautiful thing to experience with anyone whom I am fortunate enough to share my time.

Regardless of gender, we all seem to be aching for a world where our sexual connections are more curious, more playful, more wondrous, more genuinely intimate. But we don’t always know how to access it in the modern swipe left/right world that encourages snap decisions based on what looks good on paper instead of what feels intriguing and compelling. I’m doing my small part to bridge that gap. And, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you’ll join me.

Thanks for coming to my GemTalk™️ ❤️

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2025 is officially over. Part of me wants to say “good riddance.” 2025 was a challenging year for many of us. It was marked by moments of fear and uncertainty, of upheaval and chaos. It makes sense that many of us, when faced with times like this, are desperate for a clean slate, a fresh start. And New Years seems like the perfect time for so many of us to shed everything anxiety, every insecurity, every disappointment from the previous year. How many times have we thought to ourselves on New Year’s Day “this year’s gonna be different. I’m going to be a new person this year.”

The thing is, that’s rarely how it goes. Rarely do we become new people at the stroke of midnight on 1/1. Sure, some of us may stick with a resolution (but even that is rare too). We are the same people, year after year. The same hopes and fears we had in 2025 will likely follow us into 2026.

And that’s OK.

I decided to take myself to one of my favorite places on Earth this year for NYE: New Orleans! And yet, I didn’t have the stereotypical NYE celebration in the Big Easy. To be completely honest, I felt a little aimless and disconnected at first: wanting to celebrate and yet being overwhelmed by the crowds. I have traveled alone here before and truly love this city with every fiber of my being. And yet, I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. Should I just call it a night? Should I try to find a party? Should I just drink until I forget that I don’t know what to do with myself?

I eventually found myself just wandering the Vieux Carre, eating a shrimp po’boy (yum), drinking an iced Irish coffee (double yum) and falling asleep by 12:15am to the sound of the fireworks exploding over the Mississippi River. Maybe not the most eventful NYE the Crescent City has ever seen, but certainly memorable regardless.

Before I turned in for the night, I popped into a little spiritual shop. There was a tarot card reader in the back and I decided to see what she had to say about what 2026 has in store for me.

And here’s what the cards revealed. Or actually, here’s what the card didn’t reveal: There is no great, sweeping romance in store for me. There is no huge windfall of cash coming my way. There are no big career changes or big moves.

Instead, apparently 2026 is a year of slow yet steady growth for me. A year of forward momentum punctuated by quiet reflection. A year of genuine connection mixed with intentional solitude. A year of finding some new hobbies, reaching some smaller financial goals, making some new friends, having some fun travels and overall, building upon the foundation I laid in 2025 (and 2024, and 2023, and 2022…)

My 2026 may not sound like the most exciting year. But this prediction has me very excited about 2026 nevertheless. It sounds peaceful. It sounds grounding. It sounds like maybe my biggest dreams won’t come true, but neither will my greatest fears. And whether it’s written in the stars or just the outlook I choose to have entering this year, I’m filled with a calm sense of optimism today. I’m very happy to be here in 2026 today. And I hope each and every one of you feel the same way.

From the bottom of my heart, happy new year and welcome to 2026 ❤️

All My Best,

Gem DeMilo

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This one tops most people’s favorite holiday movies. I know, I know: you can’t accuse me of being terminally unique with this one leading the way here. But I think most people forget just how dark this movie is and how frankly it dealt with issues like s*icide, substance abuse, disappointment and depression (all of which can be just as much a part of the Christmas seasons as merriment, joy and celebration can). It’s a movie that makes us all reflect on the ways we all touch the lives of others in ways we may never fully know or appreciate. Frank Capra never intended it to be a Christmas movie, never mind THE Christmas movie for almost 80 years. But that’s the great thing about art: sometimes it takes on a life of it’s own.

Fun (sorta) fact: despite it’s five Oscar nominations, It’s A Wonderful Life was considered a box office flop at the time of it’s release and almost disappeared completely from the public consciousness until it regained popularity in the late 70s.The copyright lapsed during this time and it became public domain, Thus, may TV stations were able to broadcast it during the holiday season for free. So this is the holiday classic that almost wasn’t one! Even more reason to celebrate it!

Home Alone (1990)

You really can’t be someone who grew up in the 90s and not include this movie. And you ESPECIALLY can’t be someone who grew up in the 90s in Chicago and not include this movie. That would practically be sacrilegious! The Pope may have had to make his way back to town just to admonish me for such an oversight (among other things, undoubtedly…)

Even setting aside Macaulay Culkin’s adorably iconic performance as the ingeniously crafty yet sweetly innocent Kevin McAllister, there’s so much to adore about this film. A young Catherine O’Hara (aka the very beginnings of who would eventually become Moira Rose). Joe Pesci in a kid’s movie. A delightful cameo from John Candy as the Polka King of the Midwest. Oh, and I still think of the airport scene every time I run through O’Hare to catch my flight (that may be more of a commentary on how my fair city needs to update it’s largest airport, but that’s a topic for another day)

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Unpopular opinion: This is one of the best adaptations of Dickens’ classic novella to grace the silver screen. Fight me. Yes, of course the original book did not include puppetry of any kind, but the spirit of the story remains true to it’s source material in this version, as does much of the dialogue and narration (as told to the audience by Gonzo the Great as Charles Dickens, which is a stroke of cinematic genius in my humble opinion).

One thing that really makes this movie so amazing to me is Sir Michael Caine’s Scrooge here. He said that he approached taking this role as he would performing for the Royal Shakespeare Company. He acts alongside his Muppet costars with complete earnestness; His transformation from the crotchety, mean spirited miser to the kind, generous soul who keeps Christmas in his heart all year is emotional, raw, poignant and above all, very believable. But be forewarned: the portrayal of The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is genuinely terrifying. Gonzo and Rizzo don’t even stick around for it!

Elf (2003)

Do you ever see a movie that makes you think “that actor was born to play that role”? That’s how I feel every time I watch Elf. Admittedly, I missed a lot of Will Ferrell’s early 2000s dude/gross out comedies. They just never appealed to me and never seemed like they were made for me. It’s not that I disliked Ferrell; I loved him as a cheerleader on SNL alongside Cheri O’Teri! But movie wise, nothing he did really spoke to me. That is, until Elf.

If you don’t fall in love with Buddy the Elf, you are simply a cotton headed ninny muggins. Will Ferrell just makes Buddy so earnest and sweet in everything he does (except when he calls out the fake Santa of course. But he was in fact sitting on a throne of lies, so we can overlook that). And the supporting cast? Brilliant. Ed Asner. Amy Sedaris. James Caan. Mary Steinbergen. And of course, Bob Newhart as Papa Elf is just the cherry on top of this syrup covered sundae.

Bad Santa (2003)

This one is definitely not family friendly so I’d say watch this well after the little ones have been tucked into bed. But hey, grownups are allowed to have Christmas movies just for themselves! It’s raunchy, it’s inappropriate, it’s offensive. And sometimes, we need to shed the overly saccharine view of the holidays while still getting in touch with the Christmas spirit…even if that involves a few sips on some Christmas spirits (thank you folks, be sure to tip your wait staff!)

Of course, watching for the hilarious performances by the three late greats John Ritter, Bernie Mac and Cloris Leechman are reasons enough to watch this. But in the end, it is a sincerely sweet story of redemption. Billy Bob Thorton’s transformation from a drunken misanthrope who can’t even pretend to muster any semblance of holiday cheer as he plays a mall Santa to somebody who risks his life and freedom to bring Thurman Murman, the perpetually bullied underdog, his pink stuffed elephant for Christmas is genuinely heartwarming.

Honorable Mentions

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

There’s a few movies that people debate whether or not they are indeed Christmas movies and this is one of them. Christmas is more of a backdrop to this movie, so I say it deserves partial credit and an honorable mention. It’s a divisive movie, to be sure. Some people love it, some people hate it. I fall more on the love it than hate it side. And what makes it Christmasy (besides the backdrop) is the line between fantasy and reality becoming blurry and at times, even indistinguishable. Christmas used to be a time of telling ghost stories and it was said that on December 24th, the veil between the earth realm and the spirit realm was lifted. In a sense, that’s what happens in this movie. There’s something ultimately dreamlike about this erotically charged movie that, while I wouldn’t argue is perfect, does make it a pleasurable if eerie watch this time of year.

The Golden Girls, Season 2, Episode 11: “Twas The Nightmare Before Christmas” (1986)

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my four lovely ladies from Miami! Since this isn’t a movie it can’t officially be a part of my top five Christmas movie list. But if you haven’t seen this episode of The Golden Girls, it’s a must! It’s one of my favorite episodes in the entire series. Blanche really takes center stage here: between her making a very thoughtful gift for the girls this Christmas, to her telling an adventurous Christmas Eve story, to her sharing the ins and outs of the origins of her Santa Claus fetish…let’s just say she is full of Christmas spirit in this episode! I don’t want to give too much away, but be on the lookout for one of my favorite Dorothy lines: “Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story!”

Happy watching!

All My Best,

Gem DeMilo

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Americans have the least amount of vacation time throughout the westernized world. We are also constantly told that we can’t just be good enough, we have to be exceptional. If something is out of our reach financially, it’s our fault. We’re just not working hard enough. We just don’t want it badly enough. We are lazy. We just have to push ourselves harder. To the brink. And then, and only then, we will be rewarded.

But what if vacation and rest weren’t seen as rewards? What if it wasn’t something that you had to prove yourself worthy enough to receive? What if it was just something that you deserved because being a human in this world is hard, and we are all entitled to moments of recovery, regeneration, discovery and wonder?

Don’t get me wrong, hard work can be rewarding and exciting. But hard work that leads to nothing is hell. Hard work that is constantly scrutinized, criticized and never enough is soul crushing. Working hard just for the sake of working hard is never fulfilling. Hard work that disconnects us from passion and all of life’s beautiful distractions is the opposite of meaningful.

What if joy was the point all along? What if joy wasn’t just a byproduct of meaning, but meaning in it of itself? We’re only here for a short time, a blink of an eye in the timeline of this universe. Why wouldn’t glee and fascination and awe and adventure be meaningful as they are, without any sort of context to explain why you are worthy of them? You are here on this earth. Therefore, you are worthy.

Order the dessert. Take that class. Reserve those tickets. Start that new hobby. Make a fool of yourself. Take a risk. It’s not too late. It’s never too late.

All My Best,

Gem DeMilo

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